Title: V1

Author: Derien Nada

Pairing: Ray/Winston

Rating: G (one and a half m/m kisses)

Summary: Winston is frustrated with not being able to keep a 
relationship with a woman going because of the job.  

Disclaimers: I'm playing in the big boy's sandbox, but I won't make any 
money off it (how could I make money off this tripe?)

Author's Notes for the unbetaed version:  I always wanted to find some 
way to do this pairing because I think Ray is cute as a button and 
deserves a guy who'll be good to him.  (And Peter and Egon belong 
together, so it can't be one of them.)  (Although it could in my 
world-view.)  But I only began thinking of it as a real possibility 
after reading Lethe's "Turbulence."  In that story Winston talks about 
soldiers he knew in Viet Nam who developed relationships with each 
other based on the bonds of trust formed in combat (although the first 
step was taken because of mistrust of the local women).  So that was 
the inspiration.  

--------------------

"Winston, I was thinking.  Maybe we should go out for a beer down at 
Sal's.  We could play pool."

Winston leaned his head back on the couch, closing his eyes and flipped 
the television off.  "Ray, man, I just wanna turn in...." he began.  
Peter and Egon had gone for a weekend at Egon's mother's house and he'd 
thought Ray was going to go to a comics convention, so he'd been 
expecting to have this weekend to get in some serious time moping 
around and feeling lonely and sorry for himself.  Then he looked up and 
saw the concern in his friend's face and fell silent.  "Okay.  Yeah.  
We'll go out.  I'll get my coat."  Ray gave him a tentative smile.  

For the past week after his last girlfriend had dumped him Winston had 
been withdrawing into television or working on the cars when they 
weren't on a bust and not conversing above the bare minimum required.  
He knew it was worrying Ray, who always wanted his friends to be happy, 
and he knew he should drag himself out of his funk, but he just didn't 
have the ambition at the moment.  He could go through the motions, 
though, to assuage Ray's worry.  And, he admitted to himself, it might 
even help, although he couldn't see how anything would help in the long 
run.  

After he'd whupped Ray at a game of pool and had three beers, he began 
to think he could attempt to discuss it, if only to make Ray feel like 
the evening wasn't a waste.  "Look, Ray, I'm sorry I've been so quiet.  
I guess I'd gotten pretty serious about Claire.  I was really thinking, 
maybe this time....  Well, I'm not getting any younger, and I've always 
kind of expected I'd have a family some day."

"What happened with her, Winston?  I thought things were going really 
well, you guys seemed perfect for each other."  

"She said it was because I was always breaking dates.  You know how 
crazy it can get, sometimes.  Busts run long, or emergencies come up.  
And then when I got injured that last time it gave her a scare, where 
it was the second bad one in a month.  This job...  I don't know.  I 
love the job and being part of the team, I don't want to give that up.  
But sometimes I feel like, if I ever want that family... well, 
something might have to go."  He looked up from his beer and saw Ray's 
distress.  "I - "

"No, no, I understand.  I want you to be happy.  I mean, we all want 
that, you're our friend."

"Shit, I don't want to leave the team.  I don't.  You guys are like 
family.  It might be something else that has to give.  Like the dream 
of raising kids.  I've got lots of nieces and nephews; maybe I should 
concentrate on them.  I dunno.  I wish I could even just find a woman 
who could handle the fact that this is the job I've got, the life I've 
got, and deal with it.  I dunno, m'man."  

Ray picked intently at a small imperfection in the finish of the bar.  
He looked like he could start crying any second, and knowing Ray that 
wasn't out of the question.  

"Can we go..." he choked on the word, but finally pushed out, 
"...home?"

"Sure, no problem," Winston immediately responded, with a pat on Ray's 
shoulder.  

They stepped out and shortly had a cab back to the firehouse.  Ray 
still looked miserable, and went straight up to the livingroom, where 
he plunked onto the couch in front of the TV, but didn't even reach for 
the remote.  Winston sighed, mentally.  This was always a potential 
danger of Ray trying to cheer him up - Ray could usually override a bad 
mood with his natural optimism, but if the mood got the slightest bit 
of a hold on him it could drag him down badly.  The good thing was he 
could usually bounce back quickly.  "Hey, let's go up to the roof, Ray. 
 I'll grab us a few more beers."  

"Yeah.  Okay."  

In the kitchen Winston flipped on the light, brilliant and harsh at 
this time of the evening, and dug into the fridge.  No beer, only 
wine.  Something of Egon's no doubt, and probably expensive, but he'd 
worry about that later.  He pulled the cork and headed up to the roof.  

Ray was standing, arms folded and looking hunched in on himself, 
although the evening wasn't particularly chilly.  

"Couldn't find any beer," said Winston to his silent back, "But this 
looked okay.  It's got alcohol in it."  Winston took a swig from the 
bottle and then stepped over next to Ray, who didn't respond.  "Come 
on, man."  Winston gently bumped his shoulder against Ray's, although 
because he was much taller their shoulders were not on a level, and 
offered the bottle over.  

Ray turned, and the evidence of tears having recently fallen was clear, 
even in the dim light, from the gleam on his cheeks.  "Winston, I...  I 
don't want you to leave.  I know if you have to, I want you to be 
happy, but- "  He threw his arms around Winston.  This was a not 
unusual occurrence, Ray being a compulsive hugger.  But Winston, with 
one arm around Ray and the other occupied with hanging onto the wine 
bottle, did not expect the hand which Ray slid up the back of his head, 
pulling his head down.  He was completely surprised when his friend 
tipped his own head a little back and sideways, and drew their faces 
close together, until their lips touched.  His surprise made him 
recoil.

"Ray!?" 

Ray's pale, round face gleamed up at him, turning red.  "Sorry!  
OhshitI'msorry!"  He took a step back and looked as if he couldn't 
decide to run or attempt to just drop dead, but couldn't take his eyes 
off Winston for long enough to do either.  Winston quickly snagged 
Ray's wrist to keep him from running.  

"Uh, are you sure that's you in there, Ray?"

"Huh?"

"Well, you know, we always have to be aware of things like possession 
in this business.  Are you sure you're my buddy Ray?"

"Yeah.  Yeah, of course I am, you know I am."  Ray dropped his eyes 
and slumped.  "Maybe it would be easier to try to pretend I'm not.  
Sure, that's it, I was possessed."  He forced out a little breath 
which sounded as if it had been intended to be a chuckle.

"Sit down, Ray."

Ray folded himself into the nearest lawn chair as if his legs had given 
way, and sat staring at his hands.  They were square hands with short 
fingers, clever and capable.  Winston pulled the other chair a little 
closer and sat, also looking at Ray's hands.  The first thing to do was 
calm him down.  "Um, Ray.  You surprised me."

"Sorry," he said, very meek.  He glanced quickly at Winston from the 
corner of his eye, and looked down again.  "I'm really sorry, I 
shouldn't have done that."

"You look like you think I'm going to hit you.  You know I wouldn't do 
that, don't you?"

Ray met his eyes full on and guileless, surprised.  "Gosh, of course.  
You could swat me like a fly, but I know you wouldn't.  I just..."  He 
looked down again.  "Well, I put you in an uncomfortable position, and 
that wasn't fair of me.  I mean, when Egon and Peter got together you 
and I both said 'well, fine for them, but that's not my thing.'  I 
meant it, too, it's not.  I like girls.  But they go out with me a 
couple of times and then decide I'm a great friend but they don't want 
to be involved with me in _that_ way.  I don't know, is it me?  It must 
be."

"Shit."  Winston took another swig of the wine and passed it to Ray, 
who took it but held it listlessly.  "No, it's not you, m'man, you're 
a great guy."  He suddenly felt like a complete asshole for being 
depressed about Claire dumping him.  At least he'd had a few good 
months with her, and before her with Sarah.  "But you can't think that 
you're going to turn to guys just because some women turned you down.  
I mean, the right woman must be out there for you.  One who's smart 
and realizes you're a great guy."

"No.  No, it's not like that at all.  Not that I didn't think about 
it.  It did cross my mind, but when I ... well, I did some research."

"Research?"

Ray took a long drink from the wine bottle, then set it down carefully 
within Winston's reach without looking at him.  "Research.  I got some 
magazines."  He picked at the seam of his jeans.  "And all that told me 
was ...  well, I guess it told me what I already knew.  I had a little 
less interest than I do in magazines with pictures of girls.  I've 
always kind of wondered if there was something wrong with me because I 
wasn't all that interested in nude photos of women.  I mean, 
interested, but not nearly as interested as some people seem to be.  
Like Peter."

"But look how it turned out with him."

"Yeah.  It's weird, huh.  When you think about it.  But what I think 
is, I'm not all that interested in photos.  That's abstract.  I want a 
whole thing.  To know a person."

"Yeah, I can see that.  You want to be in love."

Ray nodded, and continued carefully inspecting his jeans.  "Maybe.  
Something like that.  I'm not sure if 'In Love' is exactly necessary, 
but... someone I love.  And I think it's just not as important to me 
exactly what they ...look like.  What ...body they're in.  You know?"  

"Oh."  Winston picked up the wine bottle and drank again.  He thought 
he saw where this was going, now.

Ray squirmed in his slouchy lawn chair and gave him a sideways look.  
"I'm really sorry.  I am.  It's just that the thought of you leaving... 
 It scared me.  I'd miss you so much.  And I just... I hadn't before 
and when I thought you might be considering leaving it occurred to me I 
might not get another chance."

Suddenly Winston understood why women kept turning Ray down.  It was 
terrifying to be faced with such a caring, loyal, thoughtful, somewhat 
naive person, offering you his heart - offering you a position in his 
life where you could potentially demolish him.  A person would search 
their soul and ask if they were good enough, could they really live up 
to what he needed?  Ray was not someone whose emotions you would want 
to toy with.  ("If that IS what he's offering.  That would be a really 
bad mistake to make.  It could really, honestly have been a moment of 
temporary insanity on his part; shouldn't hold a man to something he 
did rashly.  No, wait.  Ray is impulsive, but not rash.  He did 
*research* for heaven sake.  And that is so like him.")  He smiled 
despite himself as he set the wine bottle back down between them, then 
realized Ray was watching him intently and almost smiling in response, 
with a questioning look as to what the smile was about.  So Winston 
grinned.  "You did research?"  

Ray chuckled, one short bashful noise.  "Yes.  And I noted that the 
only pictures I was interested in were ones which looked like people I 
cared about.  And the people I care most about in the world are you, 
Peter and Egon.  When I realized that, I stopped looking at the 
pictures.  I didn't want to be thinking about you if you didn't want 
me to."

Typical of Ray - not wanting to do anything his friend might be 
uncomfortable with, even in the privacy of his own head.   Damn, the 
guy was... ("Think it, man; you can at least think the word.  He's 
sweet.")

"Ray.  Forgive me being blunt, here."

"Sure."

"But are you really thinking what I'm thinking you're thinking?"

"I think so."

"Peter and Egon... me and you?"  

"Yeah.  That would be.... yeah.  It has a kind of symmetry to it, 
doesn't it?  And it would solve some problems."  

"That's a pretty cold way of thinking about it."

"Cold?" Ray looked distressed.    

"Well, just the idea of starting a relationship because it would solve 
the problem of finding relationships."  

"You know that's not how I'm feeling."  

"Yeah.  I do.  Cold is the last thing you ever are.  You're just 
trying to be careful.  To me.  Which is how you are.  You know this is 
a lot for me to absorb all at once."

"Yeah.  All I'm asking for now is that you think about it."

"Thanks.  Give me some time."  

"Sure."  Ray picked up the bottle and drank again.  

"We should get some sleep."

"Yeah."  

As they stood and Ray handed the bottle to Winston so he could recork 
it, Ray took a deep breath and then asked, "Is there any chance I could 
get one kiss that isn't stolen?"  

Winston thought a moment.  "I guess that way I can have an idea about 
what I'm deciding on."  
Ray grinned and stepped closer.  It looked as if he was having trouble 
wiping the grin off his face enough to get his lips to form to a kiss.  
He put a hand hesitantly around Winston's back and tipped his head up, 
tilted a little.  As Winston lowered his head it crossed his mind that 
even that small thing, tipping one's head back for a kiss, must seem 
odd and uncomfortable for a man, an offering of trust.  He wasn't 
prepared for the twist of tension in his stomach which accompanied 
this thought, and time did that weird thing it does during car crashes, 
when you've got to think about so many things at once your brain goes 
into overdrive.  He was suddenly very aware of what he was making a 
decision about - a friend who had always been as unfailingly 
trustworthy and supportive as he was trusting.  Ray's body had a 
masculine mass to it, familiar from his frequent hugs, but not what 
Winston was used to feeling during a kiss.  He smoothed his hands 
across Ray's back, fingertips intent on feeling the structure of 
muscle beneath layers of clothing and flesh as their lips touched.  
He realized with a little surprise that he wanted to be aware of every 
aspect of this experience and implant it on his memory.  Or was that 
really surprising?  It might be the only time he did this, and he also 
wanted Ray to be happy with it - certainly you could always feel the 
intensity of concentration from a person you were kissing.  And yes, 
Ray was feeling it, pressing closer into the kiss which he'd begun a 
bit hesitantly, his hands exploring Winston's back in turn.  Winston 
became much more aware of Ray's slight buddha-belly curving solidly 
against the lower part of Winston's flatter stomach.  And then Ray's 
lips parted and oh dear lord he hadn't really been prepared for that, 
but he met the challenge and realized in the same moment that the 
challenge was meeting his own fear.  Ray's tongue moved with gentle 
hesitancy, then clumsy enthusiasm, and his mouth tasted, 
unsurprisingly, of the wine and beer they had shared.  Winston thought 
he could detect even the Chinese they'd had for lunch - all in all, he 
thought, he'd kissed a lot of women who had less appetizing tastes.  
He began to think this had lasted long enough, maybe he should draw 
back, but then as he began to draw back he thought he should probably 
go for a little more just to assure Ray that it wasn't bad.  In fact, 
this wasn't half bad, maybe he could get used to it, he thought, as he 
realized he was actually going in for a third taste, with one hand 
having traveled up to the back of Ray's head.  

Finally he drew back and ruffled Ray's hair.  "Wow.  Those chicks don't 
know what they're missing.  Look, thanks.  No matter what happens, 
well, I appreciate the offer."  He groped for the right word, and 
inside his head groaned ("I'm not worthy!").  "I'm honored."

Ray grinned up at him, all his natural enthusiasm restored, although he 
seemed to be shaking a little.  "Take as long as you need to think 
about it.  Um, listen.  I could still go to the comic convention 
tonight, if you'd feel more comfortable."  

"That's on?  I thought I had the wrong weekend."

"It's this weekend.  I stayed to talk to you, because you seemed so 
upset.  But, well, I know I can still get in at the hotel - there will 
be people I know who will let me crash on a floor.  And I'm thinking I 
won't get much sleep if... if I have to sleep in the bunk room tonight."  

"It's late for you to be going out.  But yeah, you're right, maybe it 
would be best."  He could see Ray was trying to do the right thing and 
remove himself so that Winston could think without distraction.  He 
put a hand on Ray's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze.  "Thanks."  
And then realized, "Hey, you made me forget all about Claire."